Alec's Fallout
by 8note and The Pen
Summary: It's about how Alec reacts to *spoiler for COG* the death of his brother. Set before COLS. Hope you like it. Read and Review. Pm me if you see mistakes. Do not own any characters mentioned or used. Self abuse in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Alec was standing in front of Magnus's apartment building, staring at the buzzer half-hoping it would ring itself. He knew better and defeated picked up his hand to push the buzzer next to BANE.

What would Magnus think of him, showing up in the middle of the night? Would he send him away?

His thoughts were interrupted when a familiar voice boomed through the speaker, "Who calls upon the High Warlock?"

"It's me Magnus," said Alec. "Let me in."

A few seconds later the door opened, and there stood Magnus. Alec drank him in. His light denim jeans were faded and covered in glitter. Either Magnus had bought them that way or the glitter had just accumulated there over the years. The jeans hung low on his hips and there was a strip of bare skin before the hem of his vibrant green shirt started. Alec's eyes moved up and he saw Magnus's arms folded over his chest, his long slender hands were wrapped around opposite arms as if he was trying to keep warm. Alec's eyes quickly moved up to his face. Magnus was neither smiling nor frowning. His eyes gave no emotion away. "What do you want, Alec?" His voice was as cool as glass.

"I need to talk to you, about you, about us," he hesitated, "about me." These last few weeks had been hell for him. He needed solace. He needed Magnus.

Without another word Magnus stepped aside, turned, and disappeared into the building. Not knowing what else to do, Alec followed. Magnus led him up several flights of stairs. Alec was lost in thought and almost ran into the warlock when he suddenly stopped. He peered over Magnus's shoulder and found that the door was ajar. Magnus reached a hand up and pushed on the door. Warm light spilled into the hallway. Magnus stepped into the room.

By the time Alec's eyes adjusted to the light Magnus had thrown himself down on the couch. He walked over and sat across from Magnus on the loveseat. A glass coffee table separated them, but it felt like a much bigger void. Finally Magnus broke the spell of silence that hung in the air. "You must have questions. Why don't you ask them?"

"I do have questions, Magnus, but I'm not going to ask them. You're only going to tell me as much as you're going to tell me. Even if I beg or leave you alone, you're not going to tell me more."

It was better to tell Alec the whole truth than nothing at all. "Well," he began. "I've been alive a long time. I've dated many people." Of course that was what Alec wanted to know; not about his whole past just his dating past.

He watched Alec's expression carefully. Alec remained closed off watching him expectantly. Magnus had no choice but to go on. "Including Downworlders, mundanes men and women alike, and other Shadowhunters," he said thinking of Will and Camille among other past lovers. Still there was no response from Alec. "Sure, some of those people made me who I am but other events in my life have done that too. The past doesn't matter to me."

He bit back what he was going to say next and instead he reached across the void that separated them and took Alec's hands in his own from where they rested at his sides. All the while thinking: you do. You matter to me. I love you. Those three words he had never said them to Alec but he had known it was true the first time they kissed.

Alec didn't pull back or flinch at Magnus's touch; he didn't have the energy. Magnus was staring at Alec's hands his thumb stroking Alec's knuckles. His hands were pale, so pale. Had they always been this pale?

Magnus spoke quietly, "It doesn't change the way I feel about you."

He looked up into Alec's eyes. They were downcast. Magnus wondered why Alec wouldn't look him in the eyes.

Slowly Magnus stood up, careful to never let go of Alec's hands, scared of losing him forever. He came over and sat by him. Magnus was moving his slender fingers in-between Alec's, intertwining them. Alec could feel Magnus's eyes on him waiting for him to turn. He didn't.

"Look at me," his voice was gentle, but commanding.. Still Alec made no move to turn. Magnus disentangled his hand and raised it to Alec's chin. He pressed upwards slightly and Alec was forced to meet his gaze. Magnus looked into his eyes. They looked like a deeper shade of blue or maybe it was the black and blue shadows under his eyes that made them look that way. Magnus knew there should be suffering, pain, grief, and maybe rage in his eyes but there was no emotion; it was hidden, hidden well.

Alec wasn't letting himself feel anything and it hurt him to have Magnus look at him that way, with love and concern. Not after what he let happen to Max. He wouldn't let himself think those thoughts, even though they let him feel something. It was best to block out Max; forget about him. Finally Magnus broke the spell.

"I love you, Alexander."

Now it was Alec's turn to be stunned. Magnus loved him of all people he picked the measly little, gay shadowhunter. He was an outcast, only loved by family now his parents disapproved of him. Only Jace and Izzy stayed true. When Alec thought of love he thought of Izzy teasing him, his parabatai and brother Jace, and his little brother Max. That was a different kind of love wasn't it?

Oh, Max. Alec felt his face tighten. Seeing his response Magnus hastily added, "I don't know if you feel that way about me. I don't know if you'll ever feel that way about me, but it's the way I feel about you and it's not going to change."

Alec was barely listening. All the grief he had tried so hard to press down these last few weeks suddenly surfaced. He felt hot tears gather in his eyes. Alec sensed Magnus's cool hand sliding over his own feverish skin and up to his cheek. A tear spilled over wetting his lashes and leaving a wet streak on his cheek. Magnus gently brushed it away.

Unexpectedly Alec pulled away from Magnus and stood up. A great wave of dizziness washed over him. He had forgotten he hardly eaten anything in several days and had not slept through the night in almost six weeks. Alec staggered knowing for sure he was going to fall and then there was an iron grip on his wrist pulling him back towards the couch. Tears were spilling down his face freely. He no longer cared. He just wanted it to be over. This nightmare of guilt and pain.

Magnus didn't even look at him before pulling Alec into a fierce embrace. Alec began to sob. All the grief came welling up. It poured out of him, but Magnus's embrace never wavered. His strong arms enfolded Alec, pressing him closer, his hands stroking Alec's shaking back.

Alec let himself feel everything- the pain, the loss. Then his anger came up out of nowhere pulling, dragging and hauling him down into an abyss of no return. A small part of his brain said he shouldn't be mad at Magnus; after all, the warlock was only trying to protect him. Alec let it go. He was tired of feeling it all. The anger he felt towards Magnus was something he could change. The other feelings he knew would not go away. There was no substitute. He could not change them

Magnus had not expected this of Alec. He thought he had moved on. Magnus had lost many people. No one was ever there to hold. him, so he would be there for Alec. In all his years very few people had loved him the way Alec did.

Soon the tears stopped leaving Alec feeling empty. He didn't pull away from Magnus and soon his breathing became slow and even. Magnus thought he was asleep. Alec wasn't, he was fighting through the grogginess that had taken hold of him these last few weeks. Finally Alec's mind was clear enough to realize he did love Magnus. He wasn't supposed to feel this way. He wasn't going to let himself feel this way. Never the less Alec said, "I love you, Magnus." His voice was muffled since his face was pressed to the other man's chest.

Magnus's grip loosened on Alec for a split second before pressing him closer than before. Alec's arms snaked their way up and around Magnus's chest. He forced his face up and looked into those cat-like eyes. They were full of love and left over concern for him. Magnus adjusted his arms and let Alec move up so they were at eye level with each other. Alec leaned in his hands now placed firmly on Magnus's chest. He could feel his steady heartbeat under the thin layer of cloth that kept him from touching bare skin. Their lips brushed.

Alec pulled back but Magnus leaned into Alec keeping their lips connected. Alec gave up resisting Magnus and kissed back. Magnus turned his head so he was looking straight ahead. Alec started to fall into Magnus's lap with the sudden movement, so he threw his leg over Magnus to make it easier for them to be together. He was straddling the warlock, their lips pressed together. Magnus's arms enveloped Alec and brought him closer to his self.

Alec let out a gasp clearly he was not expecting this to develop and Magnus took the opportunity to run his tongue over Alec's teeth. In response Alec brought his hands up to Magnus's face. He let his hands roam over the warlock's face. His hands continued up toward spiked hair. He felt his fingers slide over the soft gelled hair. Carelessly Alec tugged on it. Magnus let out a moan, through the cracks their lips couldn't seal, encouraging Alec to continue. Alec brought himself closer to Magnus, all pain and grief forgotten. Putting more pressure on Magnus's lips Alec found they slid open giving him permission to enter. Alec explored his mouth carefully as if he was afraid.

Magnus brought his hands lower on Alec's back tugging at his shirt, wanting so badly to take it off. Instead, though, he let his hands slip under it. He felt goose bumps forming on Alec's skin. Taking that as invitation to continue he let his hands glide farther up Alec's back. He splayed his fingers across the boy's shoulder blades trying to bring him closer.

Alec was trying to urge Magnus on. He wanted him more than anything. His hands trailed down to Magnus's waist. Alec could feel Magnus trying to break away but now he was the stubborn one and wouldn't give. Magnus was persistent, and he did break the kiss only to lower his mouth to the shadowhunter's neck. He sensed the warlock's mouth gently nipping at the vulnerable skin. Magnus heard Alec whimper at the unexpected sharpness of his teeth, but struggle to expose more skin. He felt Alec move his head to the side; a desperate move to get them nearer to each other. Magnus brought his slender hands around to Alec's chest. He went to move his mouth lower on Alec's body, but he was no longer there.

Alec felt a stinging pain rip down his side, Magnus's nails must have scratched him but he continued to stand, frantic to get away. He lurched towards the door hoping to make it there before Magnus. Alec's mind wasn't clear and he could only think of escaping these bittersweet feelings.

Magnus managed to get there before him. Alec about ran into the taller man. He succeeded in stopping a few feet in front of Magnus though small gasps emancipated from his own mouth. "Let me through," demanded Alec although it sounded more like a plea.

"No, not until you tell me why you're pushing me away," replied Magnus.

Alec tried to take a threatening step towards Magnus but he faltered and fell into him. The warlock drug the boy up until he could lie against his chest.

Alec tried to push Magnus aside but his grip held firm. "I don't want to talk about it," he muttered into Magnus's chest. He feared that if by speaking about Max his responsibility in the matter would come true and would crush him. If Magnus knew he wouldn't love Alec anymore. He shouldn't love him now.

"We need to talk," responded Magnus as he towed Alec back to the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for all of the story alerts. I would like you guys to review and tell me what I can improve on or what you like. Now that this is posted I will be furiously working on Chapter 3. Thanks for reading. **

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**WARNINGS: Self abuse, drinking, and malexmale kissing, and cussing. Don't like, don't read. **

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"_Women were different, no doubt about it. Men broke so much more quickly. Grief didn't break women. Instead it wore them down; it hollowed them out very slowly."_

~Cornelia Funke, The Inkheart Trilogy

Now it was apparent to Magnus that Alec didn't come here just to talk about his past, he came because he needed help.

Alec rush to the door had taken its toll on him and he relied completely upon Magnus to take him back to the couch. Alec knew he had not been taking care of himself; it was obvious Magnus knew too.

Gently Magnus set Alec on the couch. He laid his head against the cushion looking thoroughly exhausted. Magnus wondered how was going to get Alec to open up. Before he did any probing though, Alec had to eat. Magnus snapped his fingers and a grilled cheese with tomato soup appeared on the coffee table. That was the last of his magic. The client he had today sapped him. It was all he could do to make the sandwich and soup. "Alec, wake up," said Magnus.

Alec opened his eyes and sat up. "What?' he asked gruffly.

"You need to eat."

"Magnus, I'm fine."

"You're going to eat."

Alec could see he wasn't going to get out of this. He picked up the sandwich and began to eat. Satisfied, Magnus sat down beside him. Alec knew it was too much for him even before he began, but he wanted to please Magnus. He should at least be happy.

By the time both, the sandwich and the soup, were gone, Alec had sweat dripping down his back and a nauseous stomach.

He couldn't wait. Leaning on the wall, Alec lurched to bathroom. He was already on his knees by the time Magnus showed up.

The vomit burned his throat as it came spewing out. Magnus made soothing noises as he held Alec's hair back. Fifteen minutes passed before Alec quieted. Rough coughing overtook his body while Magnus leaned him up against the cabinets.

The problem was he hadn't eaten that much in a long while. It was too much for his system, so naturally his body rejected it.

Magnus watched as Alec crumbled before his eyes. Tenderly, as if he was scared to break him even more, Magnus took Alec's jacket and sweater off exposing his bare chest. The bright red scratches down his side stood out. Magnus also noticed that there were scars on both of Alec's wrists. Some were fairly new, while others looked older. The warlock knew how they got there, but he wasn't foolish enough to ask where he got them. God, he was so thin. Magnus needed to know what was going on inside. "What happened?" Magnus asked.

Alec managed a weak smile and whispered, "You did it, earlier," the smile vanished, "when I tried to run." His face flushed at the thought of the past events.

"I would heal you, but my client drained me today."

"S'ok," Alec replied. Magnus went to get a damp cloth, leaving Alec alone for a few moments.

He returned and tenderly wiped off Alec's face along with the scratches. The boy winced when the cool cloth touched the open wound.

Once Alec was clean, they went back out to the living area. Silence hung over them like fog in early wintertime. Magnus had Alec his grasp and was not letting go. "You are not leaving until you tell me everything."

Alec knew it would come to this; he would spill his guts or it was over. He couldn't lose Magnus too, but he didn't trust Magnus enough for the whole truth, plus he was ashamed. The elaborate lies he told his family couldn't save him now. He wasn't even sure the partial truth could. "Don't think less of me if I tell you."

Alec had never struck Magnus as a prideful person, maybe he wasn't, maybe it was just because they were so close. "No, of course not." Magnus' tone was sincere, but there was no emotion in it. A thrill went through him. He was finally getting Alec to talk.

"At first it was different, my whole family was grieving. Then dad left. Everything got worse. Izzy blamed herself and left for days at a time. Jace was busy with Sebastian. I was left alone." Alec left out certain parts, like what he did most nights and how the scars on his wrists got there.

As Magnus listened, he wanted to reach out to Alec, to comfort him. He was not alone. The warlock was always there for him. Magnus gazed at Alec and wondered how come he never came to him until now, and even then he had tried to cover it up by talking about Magnus' past.

Abruptly Alec stood, rage washing over him. He forgot what had happened in the past hours; he forgot how tired he was; he forgot that Magnus was there. Alec began pacing back and forth behind the couch practically yelling at himself, "If I had just been there…It's all my fault… He shouldn't be..."

Alec couldn't bring himself to finish any of the statements. He couldn't say, out loud, that Max was gone, dead.

Magnus rose up off of his seat to face Alec. The shadow hunter was still pacing. Magnus walked over to him. He didn't even give Magnus a second glance. The warlock placed his hands on Alec's shoulders. He knew he had to get Alec to calm down. The only thing he could think to do was to pull him close.

Alec didn't resist, but his muscles were tense and the embrace stiff. Finally he closed eyes and buried his head in the crook of Magnus' neck. With his eyes closed, Alec could see Max clearly.

The young boy was smiling like nothing was wrong. A comic book was in his hand. Max's dark hair was messy. Alec wanted to call out, to warn him of what he now knew. He tried to tell himself that this was a vision. Max was dead. He tried to bring himself back to reality, only then did he notice Magnus was speaking to him. "You can't keep running, Alec. Say it. Say Max's name. It won't—"

"Don't," Alec interrupted him. "Don't you say his name." He tried to pull away from Magnus, and almost broke free, but Magnus caught his wrist.

"Say it. It won't change anything. Say something about your brother, damn it! You have to face this!"

"Max." Alec's voice was throaty. The name left his lips with a sense of finality. The look in his eye seemed to say, are you happy now, now that you made me miserable? He hadn't acknowledged his brother's death since the funeral. All he ever thought of, though, was Max. Besides it was extremely difficult for him to say anything relating to Max, so he didn't.

Magnus brought the shadow hunter close. He could feel the heat radiating off Alec's skin. The man looked irresistible. No, this is not the time to be thinking about kissing Alec, thought Magnus. The warlock couldn't help himself; he brought his lips crashing down on Alec's.

This kiss was different; it was sensual. Earlier Magnus had not been aware of anything. This time it was as if his senses were heightened. He was totally conscious of Alec. This time there was no rush, no heat, and no lust.

As the kiss deepened, Alec realized Magnus was being hesitant and not letting him in. Had he realized what was on his breath? Did the warlock know?

Alec's fears were confirmed when he broke the kiss and saw the recognition in his boyfriend's eyes. "You've been drinking." It was not a question. How did Magnus not notice this earlier when he had his lips locked on Alec's? It was true; he hadn't been interested in the shadow hunter's lips. Magnus had wanted something lower on Alec's body, but still how could the unmistakable taste of liquor get by him? Magnus now knew that Alec hadn't told him everything. The man didn't trust him anymore; maybe he never had.

Alec couldn't deny the accusation. They both knew it was true. He didn't want Magnus to know. That was one of reasons he had stayed away.

Magnus thought he had a right to be angry. Alec was off getting drunk every night, not even bothering to call or show up. Not only that, but he no longer trusted him and it was obvious that he had cut himself. It was possible he still was. Roughly he pushed the boy away. "Damn it, Alec! Why, by the angel, would you start drinking? Do you even know what alcohol can do to you?" He didn't dare confront Alec's other issues right now.

The shove Alec received almost sent him sprawling, but he caught himself. Embarrassment and shame burned his face. Magnus didn't understand him, although he had never tried to explain himself. How was he to explain? The liquor was better than getting mixed up in demon drugs, wasn't it?

Intoxication gave Alec a way to forget, to be blissfully unaware of the hell he was living in. He hated himself more every time he took a drink of that poison. It was addictive. He couldn't break this addiction. If he did, he would die, mentally and possibly physically. A fresh wave of anger overcame him. "How in the hell do you know what it's like? Every day I see the grief on my mother's face and know it's my fault." Alec's voice got choked up.

The shadow hunter was right. He didn't know what it was like to lose your brother. If that wasn't bad enough, Alec also thought he was responsible for his brother's death. Magnus knew Alec drank to get away because there was a time when he had done the same thing.

Magnus was lost in his own thoughts and didn't notice Alec walk to the kitchen and pull out a knife. His shouting brought Magnus back around. "Is this what you want? Is this better than the liquor?"

The warlock looked over at Alec, his arm stretched toward the other man. Blood ran down his arm and dripped onto the granite counter top. At least he admitted to him that he cut himself, thought Magnus bitterly. "It's either this or the whiskey." Angry tears fell from his face, although he didn't seem to notice.

God, Magnus thought, when did we both get so broken?


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the review. I really wish to get more reviews. They let me know that people are still reading. If you see any mistakes please let me know. I want to get better. I am sorry, in advance, if I got Jace's age wrong. Sorry my chapters are getting shorter and this chapter doesn't flow right. Oh, well I hope you enjoy.  
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**Warnings: Heavy mention of suicide. More mentions of cutting and alcohol. Gay pairing, but I hope you already knew that. **

The knife clattered to the counter. Alec had dropped it. He felt the sticky blood trickle sown his arm. Blankly he watched Magnus. What was Magnus thinking, now that he saw what kind of monster he had become? Did it even matter?

Magnus studied Alec. His chest was heaving, sweat glistened on his body. Everything was moving too fast. Alec had admitted more to him than he had to himself. He really didn't want to hear more, but Alec wouldn't shut up. "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't live this life."

Magnus could tell Alec's anger was starting to dissipate. Emptiness and despair filled his voice. "Do you have any idea," he continued, "how much I blame myself? Do you know how many times I wish I could cut deep enough or take that noose and wrap it around my neck? I don't though; I don't for Jace.

Alec's parabatai. The shadow hunter he had been in love with. When it boiled down, Alec didn't commit suicide because of the Golden Boy, not because of him. Magnus could live with that for now. He had to.

Alec wasn't quite over Jace. He was afraid of what would happen to Jace if he did commit suicide. It was true Jace made him feel safe. It wasn't true love, but it was close enough.

Heavily Alec sat down on the plush chair next to the fireplace. What was he doing? Why was he telling Magnus this? The anger was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. Now he wanted nothing more than to sleep. Slipping into darkness seemed like the easiest way; the only way.

He waited on Magnus to take a stab at him; to say what a freak he was and how he was so weak. The warlock did not speak. Perhaps he had left, Alec wouldn't blame him. In fact, he expected him to leave.

Magnus watched as Alec buried his head in his hands, back hunched as if he was carrying a physical burden. Even though Magnus knew the bond parabatai shared, it still stung him to know that Alec lived for Jace. He couldn't make anyone love him, not even his family.

Despite what had been said earlier. Those words seemed empty. Nothing seemed real anymore. Love was surreal. Magnus gave and gave, but never received any back. He thought things would be different with Alec. Magnus assumed wrong. Although Alec had said I love back…

It was hard for him to open, but something in the shadow hunter was trustworthy. No matter what happened between them, Alec wouldn't say anything if Magnus didn't want him to. They both knew that much.

Alec didn't want to move anymore. He was perfectly content to stay hunched over with his palms pressed to his eyes. The blackness was helping calm the splitting headache he had acquired. He wished Magnus would say something, just so he would know the warlock didn't leave.

Alec didn't think he could take it if he looked up and saw an empty room. Every scrap of will he had left would be gone. Neither Magnus nor Jake could make him stay. All strings would be cut.

Silently Magnus stood and glided across the room to Alec. Lightly his fingers brushed the man's shoulder. Alec looked up at Magnus. Defeat showed clearly in his eyes.

Life had defeated him. Fear had laughed in his face. Death mocked him. And Love now hated him. What more could happen in his miserable life?

Earlier when Alec had seen Magnus for the first time in weeks the warlock had looked perfect. But now as Alec studied him, he looked haggard. .

Magnus' makeup was smudged. Bags hung under his eyes. Now it was obvious that Magnus was thinner. Alec wasn't the only one who was hurting.

Perhaps he could find some comfort in that, like he had in Magnus' arms. He should stay away, to save Magnus. What if that hurt the warlock more? The shadow hunter was damaged beyond repair. He was poison.

It was easier to feel hate than love, pain than guilt. Alec always managed to feel the harder of the two.

Magnus smiled and looked into piercing blue eyes. "I'm fine," he lied. He was the one faking now.

Alec looked skeptical, but he had no room to talk.

All the warlock wanted to do was tell Alec off; for not calling; for not showing up; not eating; drinking—he hadn't forgot about that—and cutting himself. Angered simmered just below the surface.

It was illogical to be angry at Alec; he was coping the only way he knew how. Magnus didn't exactly know what Alec was going through, but he knew enough to realize the guilt he felt.

Oh yes, Magnus knew how it felt to be guilty of death. Alec wasn't guilty. Sebastian had fooled them all. Magnus knew, too well, how fresh grief felt; how time never dulled anything.

He couldn't help but thinking, if this is how the boy acts when his brother dies, how is he going to act when Jace dies? It was no secret what the reckless eighteen year-old would get himself killed before Alec.

Magnus broke the compelling gaze. His cat's eyes wondered down to the scarred wrist.

Alec visibly tensed when he followed Magnus' eyes. Slowly Magnus took one of Alec's wrists in his hands. "Why?" he said, lightly trailing his fingers over the pink scars.

"I don't know," Alec whispered.

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**I hope you liked it. Review? Please?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the long wait. I have had a million things to do, plus family problems. It's all getting better. Thank you for all the reviews. I really do appreciate the alerts and reviews. Keep doing it. All of you put a smile on my face when you review or follow. I love you all. :)**

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"How could you not know?Magnus asked. Over his conflicting emotions curiosity won out.

"It's not as simple as you think. I didn't just run a blade down my arm. This," he gestured to his scars, "is a way to show everything."

Magnus was confused. He could not understand how a razor blade explained everything, as Alec put it. Gently he let go of his wrist. "Those scars don't explain anything to me. All I see is that you're hurt and you need help."

"What am I suppose to do? Walk into a shrink's office and tell them my boyfriend's a warlock; my brother was killed by a demented demon experiment, and I thought I was in love with a boy who doesn't even know I'm gay. Yeah, they'll completely understand. You think I need help because you don't understand. You're not..." he trailed off.

"A cutter," Magnus supplied softly. "No, I'm not. I want to understand, though. Alec, please, tell me; explain to me what you are thinking."

"I don't think. If I think then I start to feel, and that can't happen. There's no pain and no guilt this way. I want to be empty." A partially hysterical laugh escaped his lips. Life was laughing at him, he might as well laugh along.

"You still love. You love Jace."

"No, I don't. I thought I did, but I don't. I tricked myself into that. Those were nothing but falsified feelings. He doesn't love me, anyway."

Magnus rose. "Bull. That's bull-shit and you know it. Don't lie to me, Alexander," he said in a dangerously low tone. "You still love him."

"No I don't. I love you." Des[eration clung to every word. "Please, believe me, Magnus."

Magnus wanted to believe Alec, but he had seen the way he looked at his blood brother. He ran a hand over his tired face. If he could understand Alec, then he could help him. "I believe you, it's just..."

What could he say: I don't trust you. I don't want to believe you.

"It's just you can't love what I've become," he spat out with venom. Alec looked away.

"No. I love you, but you're so..." he struggled to find the right word, "broken, and sometimes broken things are hard to fix; sometimes they are never the same."

"I'm not broken." He may be cut, cracked, and scarred, but not broken.

"Hear me out, damn it! I'm only trying to tell you what I see. To me, you look scared and small. I see someone who has been hurt to many times to count; who is in love with someone you can't have. Alec, you're someone who can't express feelings well. That's where the bottle came into play. Instead of processing the overwhelming feelings, you tried to drown them. It didn't work."

Magnus described Alec perfectly. It was all true. It was as if the warlock crawled into his head and put his thoughts into words. He _was _in love with someone he couldn't have, but the person wasn't Jace. There would always be a place in his heart for him, but Alec loved Magnus.

It wasn't possible for Alec to have Magnus. They could never be together; actually be together. Mortality separated them. Magnus would live and watch Alec whither away and die. It was a barrier that couldn't be breached. They would never really understand each other, or so Alec thought.

Magnus took Alec's silence in stride. He assumed he portrayed the shadow hunter accurately. When the days stretched out before him, he got drunk. The liquor didn't help, so he would take another drink. Same as Alec.

Alec didn't exactly want to admit to Magnus that he was right; that he was all those things and more. Someone finally understood him. His foggy mind couldn't quite comprehend whether this was good or bad. At least Magnus was on his side. Maybe he could get better.

The warlock had enough truths for one night and he was so damn tired. His eyes wondered toward the clock. The bright red letters flashed 1:22 AM. How had it gotten so late?

Alec laid his head back, thinking about what Magnus had said. Soon his thoughts became unrelated. Darkness beckoned him. He dropped off into sleep.

Magnus and back down on the sofa and watched as the boy's head lolled back. He looked so much more relaxed... and vulnerable. He took in the white scars that covered the his upper half. Those scars made him one of the Nephilim. The scars on his wrist were different. They were pink. No iratze had knitted those wounds back together. Those scars made him an outcast.

Something was nagging at Magnus. Alec had said he loved him, not Jace, but he also said that he didn't put that noose around his neck because of Jace, not him. Exhaustion threatened to overcome him, but he knew sleep was a long way off.

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An hour- or was it two?- passed before Alec began to call out and whimper in his sleep, which pulled Magnus out of his daze.

"Max... Don't, please!"

Then only strangled cries sounded from his mouth. Alec's hands frantically pawed at the air. "Sebastian!" he shouted.

A moment passed before Magnus realized the shadow hunter was having a nightmare. He contemplated whether or not he should wake Alec up. Maybe he could learn something this way. It would be cruel not to wake him, though.

Having come to his decision, he heaved himself off of the sofa and made his way to Alec. "Wake up! Alec, it's a dream!"

His voice was drown out by Alec's pleas. Firmly, Magnus grasped his hands and forced them by his sides. "Alec," he tried again, "Wake up. It's just a dream."

Incoherent mumbles still escaped the sleeping man's lips. Magnus removed his hands and caressed Alec's face. Finally he opened his eyes. The blue orbs burned with flames of panic. He hadn't yet realized where he was. "Max. Where's Max?" he questioned.

"Baby, Max is dead." He hated to break the news to Alec again, but he couldn't stay in the depths of the nightmare. Someone had to pull him out.

Reality came crashing back down on Alec. Max was dead. Although those realizations did nothing to quiet the vivid flashes of torture inside his head.

* * *

_Cold, caculating eyes. A blood stained hammer. Malicious laughter. Dead bodies. Blood splattered floors._

* * *

Through the haze he saw Magnus peering down at him. For now he managed to block out the brutal images. "Why'd you wake me?" Alec asked gruffly, even though he knew the answer.

"You were calling out. I supposed you were having a nightmare, so naturally I awoke you." He had no intention of telling the Nephilim what he had been shouting.

Alec knew what information he had divulged about his dream. The same horror had been haunting him since that fateful night.

Once he had screamed so loud Izzy came to see what had happened. She barged into the room shouting,"What the hell happened? Are you alright?

The glamorous shadow hunter found her brother in tears on the floor of his bedroom.

Isabelle crooned and comforted him until he fell asleep again.

Thankfully, Alec had hidden the empty whiskey bottles that night or she would have found him out. Of course, she knew something was wrong, but she gave Alec his space.

Now Alec's hands were shaking and there was a bitter taste in his mouth. God, he wanted- no, needed- a drink.

Where exactly did Magnus keep his stash...

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**Review? Please? Ok so, I'm looking for a beta for this story. Let me know if you are interested. Say so in your review or PM me. I need you people to tell me some ideas for this story. Let me know what you like and don't like. I try to keep it interesting, but I do need feedback just like any other writer. Thank you for reading. I love you all, once again. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry about the wait I had band camp and then family stuff and well, just my life to deal with. Thank for all the reviews. I love them. Thank you for the alerts and favorites. They are my world. Anyway this is the last chapter for this story. You will hate for the ending, but don't worry I have a sequel in the works. Just trust me on this. I won't say anything more about it. Oh, and I am still looking for a beta for the next story. Please, I would really like to have just one offer. Since school is starting I hope to have a more regular schedule for updating. Also I'm going to try and write some of my own, original work. Thank you for reading. If you see any mistakes let me know. I love improving. Anyway, review. Please. Flames are welcome. Check out my page for the playlist I used for this story. I hope you guys keep following me. Sorry for the long A/N. There will no A/N at the bottom. Thank you for reading. :)  
**

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Unsteadily, Alec got to his feet. The thought of alcohol consumed him. To even think of accessing a knife was absurd. Magnus would never let him near a sharp object again. Plus, his goal was to numb the pain, not make it worse.

The drinks made him numb. Sometimes he felt too numb, he then would cut. To release the emotions; to make sure he was still alive; to punish himself. He would cut to feel the pain. It was a vicious cycle he couldn't get out of.

He threw open the first cabinet he came. Then another and another. "Where is it?" he muttered to himself. "Where is the damn liquor?"

What was Alec saying and what _was_ he looking for, thought Magnus. He was about to dismantle the entire kitchen. "Alec!" he said with more force than necessary.

The shadow hunter evidently heard him because he whirled around. Leaning heavily on the island, he said to Magnus, "Where is it?"

"What? Where is what?" Magnus had no idea what could possibly make Alec so agitated. Then it clicked. The nightmare; the liquor he'd tasted earlier; the man's shaking hands. He was searching for whiskey.

"Don't mess with me, Magnus. Please, I need this. The liquor."

"The hell you do." But it didn't sound convincing to his own ears. He knew what it was like to keep an alcoholic away from his alcohol. He didn't want to be that guy, the one who wouldn't give him what he needed, but he couldn't very well feed Alec's addiction.

Alec couldn't figure out why Magnus wouldn't give in. It was just one simple drink. One drink would make everything better. The throbbing in his head would subside and his hands would stop shaking. Why was he so god-damn weak? Reliant on some liquid to keep him stable, to keep him alive.

Magnus couldn't bear to see Alec like that, completely dependent on some substance for sanity. He relented, telling Alec what he was looking for was two cabinets left of the stove.

Gratefully, the shadow hunter brought out the poison, got a glass, and poured out the brown liquid. A screech broke the silence as he pulled out a chair to sit in. Standing was too much work, and it made him dizzy.

Magnus wanted so badly to join him, but it would set a bad example. The warlock did not want Alec to think that alcoholism was okay. Instead of making a movement toward the whiskey he asked, "When was the last time you had a drink?"

"Around two yesterday morning," Alec replied.

"What'd you afterward?"

"Slept it off." His slid his eyes away from his boyfriend's. His heart sped up. Why was Magnus interrogating him? It wasn't like he knew about the newly formed scabs on his thighs. He had not slept since... since when? He couldn't remember. All he knew was that he had spent all of yesterday trying to bring back the pain he had tried so hard to get rid of.

Subconsciously, Alec brought his hand to the cuts, rubbing at them.

The movement did not go unnoticed by Magnus. He would worry about that later. Right now he had to get Alec away from the liquor.

After at least four glasses of the liquid, Magnus decided Alec had enough. "I think you should ease up, babe. You've had enough."

"Just one more glass," his tone was pleading.

"Fine."

Magnus walked over to him as he poured the next and final glass. Alec downed it in three gulps, enjoying the familiar burn, knowing it would his last for a while.

The warlock gingerly made his way between the shadow hunter's legs. He sat down on his lap. Magnus trailed his hand over the Alec's chest. He could feel the ribs beneath the scarred skin. "You can't keep doing this to yourself." The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to think. It was true; Alec would die if he did, but the withdrawal might damn near kill him too.

"Yes. I can."

"You're tired. I'm tired. We both need sleep. Come and lay down with me." The request seemed abrupt, but he knew Alec would agree. It was the quickest way to him away from the alcohol.

Alec looked at him. He thought Magnus was crazy. He wanted him to _sleep _after all this. Max's face still haunted him from the nightmare. There was no way in hell he was going to let himself be that vulnerable again. "You want me to sleep after all of this." Exasperation colored his voice.

_Empty eyes. Matted hair. Dark corridors. Cold fingers. Tears, so many tears. _

"Yes, I do. For me." He stood, taking Alec's hand.

Wordlessly, the shadow hunter rose too. He let Magnus lead him to the bedroom.

It was colder in here than it had been in the living room. Alec stood there shivering, seeing as he still had his shirt off, while Magnus made the bed.

When Magnus was done, he motioned Alec to get in. Sliding off his pants, he obliged. As he stepped over the discarded jeans, Magnus said, "Wait. Stop for a second." He made his way over his boyfriend.

Apprehension filled Alec's mind. What had Magnus seen? He was sure his boxers covered all of the scabs. Magnus knelt in front of him. He watched, motionless, as the warlock's fingers brushed his skin.

Magnus brought his back and looked at the blood covering them. He glanced up at Alec. The boy was pale and his hands were balled into fists.

He wondered where the blood had come from; although he had a sinking feeling the source of the blood was not accidental. Gently, he raised the leg of the boxer up to expose more skin. Cuts were etched into it.

Some were missing scabs; Alec rubbed them off earlier, causing the wounds to bleed. Some were deep, while others just grazed the skin. Most of the cuts were just crude gashes, the few that weren't looked narrow and straight. All were new.

"Oh, Alec," breathed Magnus.

The other leg wielded similar results.

Magnus rose. "I'm going to go get the first aid kit, don't move."

Magnus left. How could he have not checked Alec's legs to make sure he hadn't done this? Why did he feel so helpless? Numbly, he returned with the kit. "Sit," he ordered, pointing at the bed.

Alec did as he was told. He stared as Magnus' nimble fingers cleaned the wounds. He grimaced as stinging antiseptic sterilized the gashes.

Finally, both of his thighs were wrapped in gauze. Specks of read peppered the white material where blood had soaked through.

When Magnus gave the okay to move, Alec slid up the bed and crawled under the sheets. He lay there while Magnus undressed and slid in beside him.

He felt two strong arms wrap around his slight frame. The shadow hunter turned to face the other man. The expression on his face was coded; nothing he could read easily. "Are you mad at me?" His voice sounded small.

"Yes, but not for the reasons you think. I'm angry because you didn't come to me. I could've helped you."

Alec's eyes drifted away. He didn't want to have this conversation—about _prevention_. Magnus still didn't understand his motives. "Alexander, look at me," he continued. "Promise me he you'll call me if you try to do something like this again. Please, for me."

"If I try to do what?"

"Drink or cut."

"Why? So you can watch me wallow in misery." He wanted to lash out at Magnus. It was easier than dealing with himself. Anger is a powerful emotion.

"You know why I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me. I love you. I don't want to see you hurt."

"You don't understand—"

"But I'm trying—"

"But you don't understand that I want to be like this. I don't deserve to be happy. I blew my chance."

"You have a second chance. You can be happy."

"Just let me sleep. We'll talk in the morning." With that Alec turned over to sleep.

Magnus wrapped his arms tighter around the broken boy. He knew they would never talk in the morning. Alec didn't want to be saved. A solitary tear fell down his face. He had lost the one thing he had tried so hard to hold onto.


End file.
